Having been asked for an English phrase for an incredibly crap game of football I found myself at a loss for a good answer. The only ones I could think of was a stinker or a howler Wikipedia: Howler, an outrageously poor play in sport as in football (soccer). A howler is like when you go to clear a ball from a corner and you end up banging it into your own net. A stinker is when you play the whole 90 minutes in this mode. A team can also have a howler or a stinker, but it’s not really the right word to describe a crap game. Maybe the footy’s so good in the UK that we just don’t need phrases to describe crap games, but perhaps if I watched Macclesfield or Bournemouth every week, I’m sure I could tell you more.
Not that the game was so bad compared to some of the stinkers and howlers we’ve seen this season (remember the away games at Bürmoos, Adnet and Strobl), but it wasn’t exactly the stuff dreams are made of; so on 10 minutes a penalty was awarded for an innocuous challenge on one of our players; or was it just a well-timed dive? Who cares? We all just looked at each other and thought it would be safest not to challenge the ref’s decision. Mersudin Jukic slotted home for his 1655th goal of the season and Austria Salzburg were 1-0 up.
I guess NASA or FIFA or UEFA must be testing out some new spy satellites so that they can observe every single activity taking place on every single football pitch, all over the world. I guess the ref was also linked up to space and told his previous decision had been questionable, as just 90 seconds later there was an equally dubious call for a penalty at the other end and another 30 seconds later Köstendorf were back on level terms. 1-1 after 12 minutes.
Was it Andi Warhol who said anybody can be famous for 15 minutes? Köstendorf had drawn level with one of the legends of Austrian football and playing in all white, the colours of the famous Leeds United, the mighty Real Madrid, this could be the start of something really big. Or maybe not. Bang! – Mersudin Jukic put Austria Salzburg back ahead again on 13 minutes – and Köstendorf must have felt robbed of 14 minutes of fame…and a sleepy village with a badly signposted turn-off to the centre of the village went back to being a sleepy village with a badly signposted turn-off.
Oh well, if Köstendorf didn’t even manage fifteen minutes of fame, we didn’t even get 15 minutes of football as, apart from a lot of claims for free kicks, and dives, and sneaky fouls and innocent looks, and mistimed headers and volleys, there wasn’t much more to see – even from the 5-man VIP box bolted to the wall of a warehouse behind the far end goals. The other 77 minutes of the game were spent with a big question mark hanging above them; wondering what to write.
Goalie, Stefan Huber, managed not to let in any head-height chips, although the first two shots on goal came high out of the sun; and Stefan Rabelsberger gave a good account of himself in his first team debut at the back. If Nico Mayer hadn’t teed off and passed an indirect free kick to himself there wouldn’t have been anything to talk about. But he did! In fact the only other thing of note that happened in the 90 minutes was the red card for Mersudin Jukic for mouthing off to the referee, which put a stop to any dreams of topping the 30 goal mark this season.
Everybody could see Jukic was gutted. Fighting back the tears Jukic had to take the long walk back to the changing rooms knowing there would be no place for him in next year’s Panini sticker book. A tragedy; a travesty of justice, a scene of such heart-wrenching emotion… that ten minutes later the referee, still battling with the burden of his bad conscience, knowing soccer card and sticker collectors all over the world would be burning their albums and falling out of their prams… decided Köstendorf’s Franz Weiglmeier would also have to take that long walk for stroppiness.
The fewer players there are on the pitch, the better the game. The more space, the more open the play. Bearing in mind the bittersweet memories of the Plainfeld war of attrition, that’s the theory. In practice the game just got scrappier and Ivan Pecaranin must’ve come closer to a red card than nanotechnology can measure. Ivan often runs into the back of players who suddenly find they have four legs, which confuses them and then they fall over. Ivan does this about 200 times every game; and every time he runs back out of the tackle with his hands waving around stuck to his ribs, like a reeling penguin that’s just been slapped in the face by a fish. ‘I didn’t touch him ref!’
Anyway, whatever Ivan was doing at the back of all these players, they all seemed to be very annoyed, but Mr Hochstaffl decided to leave it at one red, and all in all it was a pleasant enough and sunny enough late afternoon trip to the backwoods of Austrian football – not exactly a classic – not exactly a howler, with pint of beer, a sun burnt scalp and a chance to escape my girlfriend’s latest Swedish fling, Nordanö.
My prediction for the Grünau game: Austria Salzburg 3 – Grünau 2
All the best
Roger Lord
USV Köstendorf - SV Austria Salzburg 1-2 (1-2)
Austria Salzburg played with:
Huber; Milic, Rabelsberger, Würnstl, Weiss; Leitner (62. Schleindl), Mayer (75. Rottensteiner), Pecaranin, Schober (62. Seywald); Kopleder, Jukic
Goals:
0-1: Jukic (10., penalty)
1-1: Haberlandner (12., penalty)
1-2: Jukic (13.) (Assist: Mayer)
Shots: Köstendorf 10 / Austria 10
Shots on target: Köstendorf 6 / Austria 3
Corners: Köstendorf 4 / Austria 4
Fouls: Köstendorf 26 / Austria 18
Offsides: Köstendorf 5 / Austria 4
Yellow cards:
Köstendorf: 4 (Baumgartner, 49./foul; M. Huber, 54./foul; Weiglmeier, 57./criticism; Denk, 86./unsporting behaviour)
Austria: 3 (Pecaranin, 42./foul; Kopleder, 44./foul; Seywald, 86./unsporting behaviour)
Yellow/Red:
Köstendorf: 1 (Weiglmeier, 64./criticism)
Austria: 0
Red cards:
Köstendorf: 0
Austria: 1 (Jukic, 54./insultation)
Köstendorf, 600 spectators
Ref: Thomas Hochstaffl; Assistants: Erwin Mair, Muhamed Kajtazovic
